Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Michael Bay diarrhea
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
