all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
