I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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