I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
