I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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