I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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