Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
