i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
