Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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