smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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