I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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