I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
