the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
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How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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