Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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