dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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