she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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