I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
