The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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