He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
