I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
