I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
