Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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