Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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