bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
