I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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