im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
