# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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