jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
True but thats because hes a fetus.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have tasted many bathrooms
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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