I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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