tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How does one acquire holy water?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
