I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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