I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
