me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We left the knife in your bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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