well I can't set my house on fire every night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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