sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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