Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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