I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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