I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
