shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
