I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
