You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
