based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
