More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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