He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
