??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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