At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Randomize
