I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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