you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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