omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
