I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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