I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
