My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
