I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
