I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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