New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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