All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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