She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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