there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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