If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
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The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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